Freedom at last

Finally, I just finished the final exam for my graduate class. Now we'll just see. I'm actually expecting a pretty good grade since I got mostly A's on all the assignments. That doesn't mean I'm a great student, or suitable to be a competent teacher, however.

Sometimes I wonder if excelling so much in academics is a bad thing -- if I do well in just about anything, what is there to limit me and guide me away from what I shouldn't be doing and instead toward what I should be doing? What good is it to be smart without direction?

But at least I have a little bit of optimism now with the class out of the way. I'm going to go get some fake bake tanning done for my pale legs (I looked awful in my new restaurant uniform with black shorts and white legs!) hopefully start some kind of physical activity, maybe at the gym, and start reading.

Yes, reading. I have to start doing that again. I have a bit of an itch, and I had better get to it before it fades and I can't find it any more. I don't think I want to read fiction yet, however. I may actually read something on education and see what ideas I think of now, without the pressure of reading for an assignment or test.

Amazingly, one of the chapters in my education textbook that I most enjoyed was the chapter on educational philosophy. Now, this coming from the student that fell asleep in the first two days of Intro to Philosophy class in college and dropped it in order to take a World Religions class instead. Philosophy appeared so boring and pointless, but put into context, I was amazed. Maybe I can find a nice basic anthology of philosophy to read and get a general idea of the subject.

This summer I want to enjoy myself. I want to make lots of money, save it, go to the beach, and spent a lot of time with myself, by myself. I do want to expand and make new friends though.

As for dating, I'm really in no mood. I've been thinking about it these days as I read responses to my ads and can't seem to develop a real enthusiasm for anyone that writes me no matter how smart, witty, or cute they seem to be.

My heart still aches for F. After all that determination, progress, and ultimate disappointment and denial of love, I'm still nonetheless terribly attached to him. Sometimes I think we'll never part. We are very much a part of each other's lives, including work and family lives, at least on his side. Deep, down inside, of course I wish for something to improve, and lead us to a future together, but I know that there are too many problems.

Funny enough, the fact that he simply doesn't *love me* is not enough to deter me. And yet recently I was considering something unethical that he does which makes me seriously think about our incompatibility. The guy can deny loving me and neglect me sexually, but I'll still love him and persevere. But face me with a question of his ethics and suddenly (and perhaps finally) I'm reconsidering our relationship.

Yet the lack of seriously wanting to date others keeps me in the status quo. Several days ago I slipped and let us have sex after a good sex weeks or so that we hadn't. I keep up the hope that he'll learn, or at the very least suddenly care about having a healthy sex life together. It was ok, better than usual, but my lack of faith is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy, lowering my standards and causing me to give up early on with low expectations.

I know many people wonder why I'm still here with him. I'm not sure. I can only say that I feel good with him in so many other ways that I never mention. There's nothing more pleasant than sleeping with him, intertwined, or simply holding his hand. I can enjoy most of our conversations together, and feel very much at home with him and his family. It's hard to give up all those good-feeling things, no matter how bad the negatives are...

Which brings me to wonder if the negatives are really that bad. Should sex matter so much? Deep down inside my heart, and even in the back of my intellect I know damn well it does, but the more insecure part of me thinks it can be ignored in the interest of preserving other important things of this relationships.

Though of course there's still the issue of the fact that he doesn't love me. Or it could simply be an inability to recognize love, or admit love. Fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, emotional immaturity. You name it -- it's crossed my mind, and the mind of my mother and my psychotherapist. And yet, I know it really is -- and should be -- a lot more simple than that. Love should just be. And a lover should be proud of it.

(no subject)

Tomorrow's my final exam for the Introduction to Education class I've been taking. Of course, I haven't begun to study yet. What else is new?

I don't know what I am going to do. The test I'm not worried about -- it's the rest of my life that I'm worried about.

I have been stuck in the same mood, place, and station in life for almost three years, with no viable plan for the future.

Now, I know that I am intelligent and capable. I know that there are things in life that I have to do, but most of it requires *enthusiasm* which is something I really don't have for anything at all. I'm sure that if I had a real goal I wanted to work on, I would put effort into it, using that intelligence and capacity that is rotting away. However, I have no interests. Nothing moves me. No reward is even great enough for me to get motivated about life.

I was considering the idea of becoming a proofreader by taking a two day seminar in New York and making myself available for temp agencies for occasional proofreading assignments. Well, I browsed a web page for an organization that teaches this skill, and I was disappointed to see I got 19 incorrect answers out of 50 questions on a spelling test of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language. I was mortified really, since throughout elementary school I had straight A's in spelling, and always excelled in all my English classes. But this test perhaps caught me off guard. I had to choose the correct spelling between two choices and that's perhaps where I had doubts. Maybe if I was dictated a word and I spelled it out it would be accurate, but comparing two, I suddenly wasn't so sure any more. I always prided myself in refusing to use the spell checker on a word processor, in absolute confidence that my spelling was correct! I guess I'm not so smart after all. So in frustration I just closed the web site and decided maybe I won't make such a good proofreader after all.

What is my purpose? What should I do with my life? What will make it all worthwhile? Another student in my education class was telling me tonight that perhaps I was still too young for teaching and I can go ahead and do other things first. It's an idea. But the question still remains: should I become a schoolteacher? What else could I do? What else *would* I want to do?
  • Current Mood
    pessimistic pessimistic

High School

I left high school and never glanced back. Yet, in these days, I felt the mixed feelings I thought I'd never have as I walked the halls of my old high school, now as a student of education on a field observation. Where had my life gone in six years?

Every corner, stairwell, and classroom had a memory, a feeling, and a presence. Confusion set in as I noticed new faces behind the same old desks in the classrooms. Where had my teachers gone? But I was relieved to see several of them. They were suddenly beautiful to me -- both Ms. Dougherty and Ms. Hogaboom appeared almost younger than in the days they were my English teachers.

The students intimidated me, however. Some were bigger than me, and some were smaller. I walked with a book bag on my back, a bit embarrassed at the thought that I might be confused for one of them and stopped for a hall pass. But no, at least the students knew I was not one of them. "Are you a sub?" "No, I'm a former student from a long time ago."

Was six years really that long? These children were hardly pre-teens when I was a graduating junior, driving into the school parking lot and walking the same halls.

I suddenly realized that I truly missed high school despite my eagerness to leave in just three short years. What exactly did I miss? I missed the clubs, the after school talks I had with other students and teachers. I missed the academic challenge of juggling five or six academic subjects at once.

College was so different. I don't believe I've had a productive year since sophomore year of high school. I enjoyed school back then, and was just beginning to discover myself creatively.

Something happened during college, however. I finished my schooling successfully, but it is all a blur in my mind.

Somewhere I lost my roots and realize I never bothered to plant them.

But if I manage to finish my studies in education, and actually come to the conclusion that I am willing and able to teach, would returning to my old high school give me any kind of roots?

For so many years I was ok with the fact that I had no roots, but it has been bothering me for some time now. My family is so small, and we're all confused and without roots. We've made a point to stick together because we have no one else.

It is my own fault that I can't keep friends, given these lack of roots. I'm so used to being alone that I don't seek out my friends and make roots with them.

Sadly, my life always seems to revolve around some man. Whoever I'm with some how becomes the center of my social experiences, even when I'm trying not to let it happen.

And of course, the man will turn out to be the wrong man and we end up parting. When we part, large parts of my social life disappear.

Why is it people invest so much time and energy into the man or woman they have as a partner, but not so much into their platonic friendships?

I don't know if this is something I can honestly change. It is so ingrained in me, that I have always imagined very few people in my life. Very few at my birthday parties, bridal or baby showers, wedding, and even funeral. Like my brother's wedding, mine will have about four guests including my family members... Well, I'm probably exaggerating, but the fact is I just don't have that many people close to me.

There are many I care deeply about and think about all the time, but I don't pick up the phone. They drift and disappear with time. Then I might see them and feel overwhelmed with feelings that at that point are no longer reciprocated since I let time pass and neglected them.

And so it is...
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

(no subject)

Well, I still haven't had much time to set up this journal, but I do intend to! Work has been hectic. Today I put in 12 hours at work and just want to go to sleep but I can't yet. Ok. There. I made an entry.